EdAches
by Pidge-san
Summary: An extension of the Chronicles of Jaden series, a.k.a a weird humor story starring Aster Phoenix, and other characters, including Jaden. Introduction: Chapter One: Pro vs. Pro.


Why am I posting this??

Hahaha, it doesn't feel done, it seems so bad and rushed and poorly transitioned, probably 'cause I'm used to lots of dialogue, but I dun have any more ideas to add to it and no more drive to keep going. Besides, I need to save ideas for other stories...

The next few chapters of COJ will probably be similar to drabbles in length. Except for chapter five, which will be HUMONGOUS.

THIS HAS ONE ASPECT OF "IM SYRUS", ANOTHER BRANCH OF COJ, IN IT. OBVIOUSLY.

I at least like the title. XD

What are you talking about, Tim? I don't see any fanfiction here...

And I'm in luck, so many people are gone and busy, meaning barely anyone will see this!

Concrit is certainly welcome though. Birds know I need it...

SERIOUSLY, THIS IS SO DUMB. BUT I HOPE THAT IT ENTERTAINS SOMEONE. I CRACK BAD JOKES, I LOVE CHOCOLATE COVERED CHOCOLATE, AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS STORY.

BECAUSE I CAN'T VENT THROUGH VISUAL ART ON THE NET, I ACTUALLY WROTE.

ME!

I'M BACK WITH ME AND MY BROTHER'S SILLY PUNS AND GENERAL CRAZINESS.

DOES THIS FOLLOW THE STORYLINE? NO, IT DOES NOT. WILL THERE BE A SECOND CHAPTER SOON? MAYBE. CHANCES ARE, I'LL INTEGRATE SOME ED-ACHES INTO CHAPTER FIVE OF CHRONICLES OF JADEN, SINCE, AFTER ALL, ED-ACHES IS AN EXTENSION OF IT.

DID ANYONE NOICE THAT CHAZZ DIDN'T GET HIS MONEY FOR THE DAMAGES TO HIS LIMO FROM THE CRASH IN COJ: CHAPTER 4? XD

HE NEVER WILL.

HERE IS MY ATTEMPT AT A FUNNY ASTER FIC. THREE CHAPTERS, THREE MAIN CHARACTERS, YES. THE LATER CHAPTERS WILL PROBABALY BE BETTER...

IT'S A BIT TOO DARK, BUT ED AND GOOFY DON'T GO TOGETHER. WRITIG HIM IN HUMOR IS HAAARD.

THIS IS A SATIRE OF A CERTAIN TYPE OF FIC INVOLVING ED.

HE GETS LOTS OF INTERACTION WITH A VARIETY OF CHARACTERS.

I GAVE ED A YACHT THAT'S SIMILAR TO A NORMAL BOAT OR CRUISER OR YEAH.

I DUN OWN COOLWHIP OR ED, EDD,' N ' EDDY OR GX OR DEEPERCUTT'S YOUTUBE POOPS OR ANYTHING THAT YOU KNOW BELONGS TO SOMEONE ELSE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I LISTENED TO "AQUEOUS TRANSMISSION" BY INCUBUS WHEN WRITING THIS.

--

_**Ed-Aches**_

_Ch.1: Pro vs. Pro_

Every professional anything needed some time off every now and then, and Aster Phoenix was one of them, especially after the whole Society of Light deal, which was very exciting, not to mention, say, _life-threatening_. He decided an uneventful week at the Academy would do him some good before summer came, since people generally left him in his preferred state: alone.

And it was fairly unexciting for most of the week, until one day at lunch, when his chef surprised him with a plate of fortune cookies after he had devoured the beef fillet.

With mild interest, Aster cracked each of them open, only to find the same, ominous message on every slip of paper inside: "**I will DESTROY you**!"

Along with a picture of Uncle Sam, dressed as the Terminator, pointing at him.

"Hey! Heey! HEEEY!"

The boy quickly called back his chef and demanded to know the meaning of these threatening cookies, but even the chef was baffled by this strange thing.

The chef quickly remedied the situation with a nice piece of apple pie, and some Cool Whip, something no mortal could resist.

Or in this case, moron, as the scent of freshly baked pie wafted off the yacht, traveled to the Slifer Red Dorm, and brought back a drooling Jaden.

Once on the deck, the uninvited Slifer sniffed at the air again, and smiled. "Hey, Ap, whatcha eatin'?"

Aster didn't look up from his plate. Not to sound like Sartorius, but he had foreseen this encounter. If Schmaden Schmuki was going to be a personal space invader, he was going to regret it.

"Oh, just some apple pie with a dash of Cool Hwip. And sorry, there's not enough for two." Aster glanced over to his left with a slight smirk, hoping to see Jaden's face twist into a pout, but instead found the other boy blinking confusedly.

Aster returned the confusion."What?"

"Say the first part again."

Uncertainty. "Apple pie?"

"Haha, hey, Jigen, how's that humble pie tasting? HOOBPLOIT! But anyways, not that part. After it."

Perplexed, Aster tried again. "Um, Cool Hwip? What about it?"

"Yeah that! Again."Judai's face was beginning to turn a bright shade of red, and his cheeks ballooned and quivered with obvious glee.

Aster raised a slender brow."Cool Hwip?"

Finally, Jaden burst out laughing.

"Huh? What's your problem?"

Wiping his eyes free of mirthful tears, Jaden answered,"You said...HAHAHA..."Hwip!" Now, can ya say "ask"?"

"I fail to see the humor in this. And axe? Yeah, I can say axe just fine,"said the younger duelist with a toss of his hair.

That threw Jaden into a fit of hysterics, and he crumpled to the ground clutching his sides. Aster rose and stood over him, annoyed.

"Okay, I'm lost. Mind filling me in, please?"

"Then you need "The Map!" Gwonam's got it! Heheheheh, and not on the life of my mushroom hair." Jaden giggled, before standing up. "I forget anyway. So can I have some? I know, I'LL DUEL YA FOR IT!"

"No, thanks. Besides, you get free food here, you can wait. I have to pay for mine." The younger boy sat back down on his chair, but still eyed the silly Slifer haughtily.

"But I'm hungry _now_. Please? I'll, uh, duel for you! " begged the Slifer with big, shiny puppy dog eyes.

"You're a lazy bum, you know that?"Aster grumbled, taking a bite of his desert.

Jaden grinned. "Why?"

The only things you'll do willingly are duel, eat, sleep, and lay around and watch stupid cartoons on TV all day, like that Ed, Edd ' n ' Eddy show,"explained Aster, twirling his fork."The one with that dumb flathead with a unibrow?"

Scratching his head coyly, the older duelist asked, "Uh, I'm not exactly sure what you're talkin' about. I have an idea but yeah. Example?"

Despite himself, Aster pulled out his eyebrows into a monobrow shape and somehow managed to get his eyes to look in different directions, in an imitation of Double-D's imitation of Ed. "_Buttertoooaast._"

Jaden slapped his forehead and laughed. "Ahahaha, I remember now! That was perfect, Ed!"

Once he pulled his face back into its original shape, Aster smiled smugly. "Well, I did take part in theater arts for a little while, and needless to say, I was quite good at it."

"GOOD! Hahaha, but anyways, I totally believe ya! You _should_ be Ed!"

Aster scratched his cheek."I wouldn't take it that far..."

"Hey, ED. Wanna jawbreaker, ED? Hey, your beef fillets would go great with _gravy_, ED."

"Cut that out!"

Jaden frowned, but his eyes shone mischievously. "Alright, alright...ED."

The chuckling Slifer was chased swiftly off the boat, which he later nicknamed the S.S. Hwip It Good.

...

Some time that afternoon, Aster left the sanctity of his boat to watch some amateur duels in the Academy's auditorium. When he came back, his sanctuary had been desecrated.

There was and odd Luigi with a creepy blank stare spray-painted onto the side of Aster's yacht, next to a caricature of the Destiny duelist as an overly buff yet obese and hideous superhero in a speedo. It was like a super-deformed Dreadmaster.

In bright red letters next to this piece or "art", it read: **"D-HERO DUMPY AND HIS SIDEKICK, WEEGEE."**

"Hey, Ed!"

Darnit. Jaden was still obsessed with that performance yesterday...

"Can I be Weegee??"

Aster placed a thoughtful finger on his chin. "Who's that?"

"That one." Jaden nodded at the Luigi. "Spaghe-e-e-e-etti! So, can I be him?"

"No way. You'd never be a sidekick of mine. Because, well, I'm the best." Aster thumped his chest proudly, completely forgetting about the embarrassing picture on his yacht. Meh, the Weegee guy would surely keep anyone's mouth shut.

Jaden's eyes lit up with stupid glee. "Haha, that reminds me of Chazz! Haha. gorillas beat their chests with FURY!"

Apalled to be compared to a hack like Chazz, Aster showed some of his FURY. " THAT'S IT. SCRAM. I need to get this cleaned up, anyway."

"But, Ed-"

D8 "NOW."

"Fine, fine...,"surrendered Jaden, though as he walked away, he started muttering. "But I saw who did it. It was fun watching them..spilled paint all over his blue head, kinda like how Chazz told me he did when he was repainting the Ob...Dorm...Yeah, that's...for...ya..."

...

However, the Elemental Heroes' biggest fan came back shortly after, because even though Ed made it clear that he appreciated Jaden's rescuing Sartorius but did not want to be friends, EVER, as Aster Phoenix was nobody's "good chum," Jaden insisted anyway.

Chazz sorrowfully told Aster he shared the same fate, but not to worry, he'd kill the mushroom-headed embodiment of Stupid soon enough. It was not soon enough though, Syrus and Hassleberry made sure of it.

He was delighted to see that while all traces of D-Hero Dumpy were scrubbed away, Ed had left Weegee right where he was, but that was probably because Weegee was too high up for the short teen to reach. Jaden shrugged to himself. At least Syrus would never be seen around the yacht again.

Aster was watching some Youtube videos on his laptop, and Jaden took this opportunity to sneak onto the yacht. But Aster saw him coming anyway. There was no one who could surprise pseudo-Juan Bond. Except for Jaden, the mystery box on legs, who was more adept at finding cheat codes in DDR than even Lorenzo. Up, down, down, up, up, down...

Mr. J. Enigma walked over to his "friend" with a big smile. "DEVO."

"Huh?"Aster was caught off guard.

"Fashion Nugget!"

"Okay then..."Now he was jut annoyed.

Jaden convulsed, before yelling,"You miserably little pile of secrets! Scatman John would be ashamed! You have no friends."

"Fine, be that way, punk! Consider yourself -"

"DINNER."

"Alright, why do you keep saying stuff out of random, dude?"

Jaden shrunk back at the younger "dude"'s irritation. "Sorry! I have Turret's Syndrome!"

Suddenly the Slifer Yellow, no, wait, Red student had a silly thought. "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if a year from now I got possessed by a hungry overlord of Darkness who wanted his army to go raid villages of all their food but since he took over MY body he'd impulsively say, "go on a genocidal march"?"

"...Huh?"

"Nonono! Better yet, what if while he was, like, looking for a bunch of souls to complete a really powerful card or somethin', I'd say, "Hey, Foot Locker has _soles_," and he later calls them, ask if they really do, they'll say "_Yeah!_", and, he, he'd say-" Jaden could barely take it anymore. "He'd say, "_I want your souls._ Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!"

Jaden looked to see if Aster liked his joke but laughed nervously when Aster just kept staring blankly at him. He held up a tiny, iridescent cartridge.

"So, anyways, wanna see my new game? It's called Almost Impossible Game:V.100000000."

Finally grasping onto the now legitimate conversation, Aster asked,"Why is that?"

"'Cause it's almost impossible to beat. Kinda like Megaman Zero, only a lot harder, and it has a million versions."

"Oh, yeah? Let me try."

"But, Ed! There are guys who have played for five years and only just got past the first level of the first game! There's no save either!"

Aster thrust out his hand. "Just give me the stupid game!"

Jaden "reluctantly" complied. Aster flicked on the power button.

**GAME OVER.**

"What the heck?" Blue eyes (not the dragon) glared daggers at Jaden, who was grinning sheepishly and deviously at the same time.

"Heheh, did I forget to mention it's very random? You can turn on the game and lose automatically, like just now, or your character could be in a sea cucumber garden in Philadelphia and get attacked by a fifty-foot archangel with a flaming sword." Jaden explained, then smiled broadly. "I remember the first time Sy tried it out. He actually got to the carnival's main boss, Togeroth the Bassoon Conjurer, when the Incredible Hulk and the A-Team came in and killed him. I though it was funny 'cause Sy was all upset that Mr.T turned on him." :-DDD

"...You're stupid, and this game is ridiculously random. What company made it?"

"Oh, A.K.A. and their partner, Copy Right Infringement! They rock!" Jaden pumped a fist into the air.

It was Aster's turn to be a jerk."...Those are the really psychotic game companies that were sued last year, aren't they?"

Jaden slowly brought down his fist. "Um..."

...

But if it wasn't one thing, it was most definitely another...

On the next day during lunch, Jaden didn't show up, but someone more troublesome did.

Licking his lips, Aster cut out a large, juicy chunk of beef fillet, and was about to gratefully stuff it into his open mouth with his fork, when a grappling hook noisily clanged and gripped the rail next to Aster. He stiffened, though his grip on his eating utensil slackened.

"Wha-?"

Aster turned his head.

A spiky-haired urchin lad that looked an awful lot like Yugi Mutou, donning a yellow uniform and a green scarf, clambered madly up to the rail, where he hoisted himself up and stood like a gymnast on a beam or tightrope.

Aster just gawked.

All the while his beef fillet slipped off the prongs of the fork and fell back on the plate, splattering gravy all about the table, his suit, and some flecks even found there way onto his _pretty_ face. Not that he noticed.

"Who the heck are you?"

"Wow, Eustace, I didn't expect you to NOT recognize me." The Yugi look-alike rumbled.

Aster relaxed. This was just another one of the Academy's "speshul" students.

_Have dorks. Will play stupid games._

He wagged his hand idly at the impersonal impersonator."Hmph. Well, I don't, so leave."

The stranger fiddled with his gravity-defying scarf. "Hey, didja know "gullible" is not in the dictionary?"

"It's not?"

"Ha, you fell for it! That means I'm better than you!"The Yugi imposter cried trumphantly in a faux, deep and proud voice, which was an odd combination with that very childish thing he had just said. Not that Aster was not amused.

"Okay, look here, wiseguy, I-"

"Believe that you are Yugi and will cater to your every whim!"

"GET OUT OF HERE!"

The Yugi charlatan seemed to become frantic. "At least I'm not short and don't have a mullet! So hear me out, groundling!""

"Okay, okay, _what_ do you want, Copy Cat Kid?"Aster growled, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair.

"Your food!" Yugi-Only-Not demanded. "I'm starving. The cafeteria staff in the Ra Dorm banned me after they figured out I was getting back in line again and again dressed as someone else!"

"...Hm."

Without another word, Aster rose, strolled over, and shoved Copy Cat Kid off the rail into the ocean, throwing the grappling hook after him. He really wasn't in the mood that day to deal with anyone's antics for long.

_Where did the students get all these dangerous things anyway? Reminded him of Jaden riding that motorboat on land that one time... _

Sighing, Aster mused,"That felt a little _too_ good."

...

Later that day, the pro duelist's mood went from bad to worse. Especially when one of his many sponsors decided to start making advertisements using puns and other wordplay.

_boopadoopadoopringringringringBananaPhone_

He pulled out his orange cellphone. "Huh? Why are you calling me, nameless pro duelist sponsor?"

"I was just getting your permission on this new slogan we cooked up for your latest bit of merchandise, sir."The caller said a bit too politely.

Mildly intrigued, Aster asked, "And that would be...?"

"Ahem, this catchy new phrase may seem a tad odd, but it's very clever!" This guy seemed a bit too unsure about Aster's response...

"Go on..."

"Erm, "Hooked on Phoenix!"

Aster was a bit too furious to hear anymore. He hung up right then, and jammed his phone into his pocket.

"Some vacation _this_ is turning out to be. Absolutely _wonderful_."

...

That night, the birdie gratefully took roost in the large, soft bed of his yacht.

While stripping down to his orange speedo, he thought about how ridiculous his vacation was becoming. Today had not been his day. Little did he know, his night was also going to take a turn for the weird.

Around midnight, when an odd and highly uncomfortable heaviness on his abdomen awoke him, he sluggishly attempted to turn over to relieve his stomach of the pressure, but surprisingly, he couldn't budge. Another try earned him an angry growl...from an unexpected guest.

Apprehensively, the silver-haired duelist opened his eyes and lifted his head, and in the faint moonlight that permeated his room, he could make out several muddy silhouettes of mysterious creatures scattered around the room, their bright eyes standing out like hundreds of glow-in-the-dark almonds.

Cautiously, he reached out, clicked on his lamp, and found...

"Sea otters! Sea otters!" They're everywhere! Sea otters!"

All dogpiled about his once pristine room, their fur glistening wet with saltwater, all their attention on him at that moment because of his outburst. At a loss of what to do, he relaxed and lay motionless, because surprising wild animals is bad, and tensing up when a handful decided get up to investigate his presence. A few crawled up around near his face, tickling his bare upper body with their wispy whiskers and twitching noses, one even resting itself on his forehead after sniffing at his hair curiously.

The night slowly and agonizingly ticked by and Aster felt that he couldn't bear the otters much longer, until...

The supposedly locked door mysteriously flew open, though no one was there. Aster fidgeted nervously.

Then, after a little while, there was a leathery _snap._

As if on command, all the otters rose and scampered out of the room, pummeling every clean surface of the yacht, including Aster, that they touched with water, fur, and even glittery sand. There were a few scattered clams too. In an attempt to follow them, a beaten Aster got up, stumbled out the door, but collapsed from disorientation on his deck, his damp and disheveled hair falling into his eyes. And although he did not see, he heard something rather strange from the left, where the forest was located, and apparently where the otters had run off to.

"Ur! Cease! Desist! STOP!"

Then another couple of muffled noises could be heard. It seemed that the unknown owne of the voice had failed to stop the animals in their tracks, and a montage of enthusiastic thumps and pained grunts erupted from the trees. If Aster didn't know any better, it sounded like the person, and perhaps trainer, of the otters was being...glomped. Although from how said trainer reacted, it seemed more like he was being hit very hard by a storm of beady-eyed, ninety-pound sandbags.

Memories of Super Smash Brothers Melee minigames and a question rang in Aster's head."Why??"

...

The next morning, Aster was enjoying, or at least _trying_ to enjoy the warm spring breeze on his shiny, clean deck, where he was lazily viewing the glittering ocean, when a flash of green to his side caught his attention.

It was a rather large, green beetle, crawling about at his right. He could hear its pincers and armored legs clicking busily.

"Yuck, sounds like a cockroach,"Aster sniffed indignantly. An unwanted and disgusting insect had found its way onto his boat, and was scurrying around on his shiny, clean deck, intruding his personal space with its noisy presence. As if the group of sea otters from the night before weren't enough.

"Hmph, stupid beetle or junebug or whatever. Scram! Shoo!" He kicked at the scarab. It apparently ignored him.

"Feh, I don't think beetles or whatever it is can fly, so..."

He leaned down and smacked it with his hand, knocking it to the other edge of the boat with a _clunk_.

Satisfied, Aster returned to gaze placidly at the rolling sea, arms resting on the rails, that is, until he found himself falling face first into that sea.

"What the-_"_

_Sploosh._

He found himself submerged in the cool, green water, momentarily dazed, his face stinging from the impact. Seconds late, he reemerged, coughing, and positively drenched.

Grabbing at his expensive, dry clean only clothing in dismay, he cried," MY SUIT!"

His suit was quickly forgotten though, when his dining table jumped down to join him in the ocean. "Aaah!"

He dived out of the way, then paddled to the shore of a nearby beach, where he lifted himself out of the water and ran back to his boat to see what had happened. The only thing there was that beetle. Infuriated, the soggy sourpuss brought his foot down on the insect, only to have said foot thrown back at him, or more accurately, his face. He had practically put his foot in his mouth.

And bending your leg like that would _hurt. _Aster was no Goldmember, after all. "Oooooooooow..."

As such, he rolled around on the deck in agony for what seemed like forever, then managed to grab a rail for support. It didn't help that when he hoisted himself up, he was thrown off his feet, no, literally flipped back over onto his stomach again. He groaned, but tried once more, and was successful, until a new force entered the ring. He didn't see _what_ did it, but he sure felt its power.

Several swift, sharp pokes in his side hit him off his boat again. In the water, as the waves bobbed him up and down, he saw through one unclenched eye a paddle thrown over the edge of is boat, as if his attacker were proudly showing him what they had used to beat him (more like beat him up) with.

However, as he climbed back out and crawled away, he could've sworn he heard his alleged attacker yelp and fall with a booming **splash** into the ocean from being thrown in by the very menace they had released. Served them right...

...

His leg, jaw, no, his whole -body- was aching terribly from the encounter with that mutated Hercules beetle. And now it seemed his head was being afflicted by something too, because Jaden was apparently napping..._in midair._

There was no way he could believe it. His eyes _had_ to be playing tricks on him. Jaden just _couldn't _be floating.

With a grunt, he limped over to investigate, looking up at Jaden, until he crashed into something solid and rough.

"Ow," he moaned, rubbing his chest. Then in curiosity, he reached out with both hands to find the Thing again. Feeling it, he moved his hands slowly to each side to discern it's shape. It was round like a pole...

"Hey!" He called to Jaden. "HEY! Um, duel?"

At the first two commands, Jaden continued to slumber peacefully, but at the word "duel" his eyes snapped open.

"Mmmm, Polymerization...!Oh, sup, Ed? I was just takin' a nap. Even Sy's barking can't keep me awake."

Aster trew up his hands in exasperation. "In _what_ though? There's nothing there!"

"In-whoa! The tree disappeared! I'm levitating! Sweet!"

Rising, Jaden attempted walking in the air just like Magneto, only to fall out of the tree onto Aster.He leaned over and smiled widely at his makeshift pillow.

"Thanks for breaking my fall, Ed! Magic musta wore off, or something,"said Jaden with a stupidly grateful smile.

"YOU WERE IN A TREE, IDIOT! You can't float, and, and-ow, my back."

Aster's back and ribs were too sore for ranting. He unwillingly accepted Jaden's help and was pulled to his feet.

Jaden regarded him with teary eyes as he looked him over, holding Aster steady by the shoulders."Aw, poor, Ed. Look at you! You're a mess! But I know just the thing to make it better...HUGS!"

Oo"Get away from me!"

Aster's adrenaline had finally kicked in, and not wanting any further crushing of his bones from the Academy's resident teddybear, he jumped back from Jaden's embrace and made a break for it. He didn't get very far.

There were more invisible trees than meets the eye, or didn't meet the eye...

They were everwhere.

And Aster dashed right smack into one, rendering him unconscious.

...

In the infirmary, Jaden sat next to Aster's bed while he waited for him to wake up. He staved off boredom by drawing on the patient's face.

When said patient woke up and found a marker positioned over his nose, he wasn't anywhere _near_ happy. Jaden made a futile effort to hide his marker by stuffing it into his mouth.

The mirror across from them wasn't shy in showing off Jaden's handiwork, though. A noticeable vein throbbing on his head, Aster violently clapped his hands together in irritation.

"_Jaden,"_he began, voice brimming with suppressed rage.

Jaden held up his hand to stop Aster from continuing, while tapping his chin thoughtfully. He inspected Aster's clasped hands, then, as if some sort of realization was dawning on him, clenched his right hand into a fist and punched his left's open palm.

"Are you challenging me?"

"Huh?"Aster deflated.

"Because back in kindergarten, whenever we did that with our hands, it was a challenge to a game of Patty Cake, or in karate class, it was a challenge to a fight. So which is it? Personally, I prefer the manly game of Patty Cake."

"...I really hate you sometimes."

"Hi, Ed."

"..."

...

A few days later, bandage-free Aster Phoenix was enjoying his daily lunch of beef fillet yet again, his right hand wielding his fork, his left brandishing his knife. He also had his laptop on the table, with which he browsed the Internet, typing in website names and search topics with the butt of his fork.

He also had his IM up, but no one ever chatted with him, because almost no one knew his screen name. Except Sartorius, but the fortuneteller was not yet well-versed in the digital world, so no contact with him now.

Nothing new or interesting on the web at the moment, when an IM box suddenly popped up.

"_hi sup? :D" _was the first message, the source from someone who was under the username _"(jackass)." _

Aster swiftly typed up a response. "(_PhoenixDown_): _Do I know you?_"

A quick reply. "(_jackass): yeha, u do :P"_

Unconvinced, Aster countered, "_But I don't know any jackasses."_

"_(jackass): XD LOL u know Jaden Yuki!"_

"_Oh. What do you want then? Trying to distract me to steal my food again? And how did you get my screenname?"_

"_LOL Nah we dun hav todo that n e more. Fis for fun no food nao & tyrin ta cach bigest thing 4 contests FUNFUNFNU!:D Gat it frum guesing. Wana tok, Ed?" _

Aster continued disinterestedly. "_I don't believe that you guessed it right. Probably saw it when you came up on my yacht to get back your football. And not really. I'm eating right now."_

"_LOL U sed FUTBALL"! XD mabee, daaawww buttt eh lik u! D: UR KEWL! & kn I eet wit u? Im hungry!!" _

"_...Hungry was the only word spelled correctly out of that whole thing, and no. English, por favor?" _

"_Sowy I kn't spel DX & Daaawfine bee tha way. :( Lemme starv XD LOL After u stop speekin Italian!"_

"_I can see that. And that was not Italian, that was Spanish."_

"_XDD I kn sea u frum mah cliffy & frind Hasllebery is wit meh & LOL lo siento eh ferget D:"_

The silver-haired boy looked up from his screen and scanned the cliffs for Jaden and his friend, spotting them sitting on a low cliff by the docks. Jaden waved at him enthusiastically. Aster put up his hand languidly in reciprocation.

"_I see you too now. Are you done?"_

"_LOL Fer now Ttyl! Kenzn an meh r gonna try an cach Mrs Dorothy boat! XD"_

A few quick taps_."That's nice. Bye."_

He closed the box, only for another one to spring up.

"_Hello", _said the newcomer, whose username was _(MaleDominatrix)._

"_Do I know you? If not, kindly leave me alone."_

"_Oh, I know you rather well,"_returned the stranger.

Dissatisfied, Aster challenged,_"As a friend? Because your name nor your behaviour so far is ringing a bell." _

"_No, but I am a "friend" of Jaden's."_

"_Really? Then talk to him."_

"_I have no business with him. But I have a bone to pick with you."_

Smirking, Aster rested his chin on his hand._"Disgruntled duelist that I beat, right?"_

"_A former opponent who wants revenge."_

"_Same thing. Duel?" _

A long pause.

"_Gladly. However, I must accomplish something else first. Your victory left a hot, festering scar on my pride, and open wounds on my image, all oozing with bitter blood. Cooling them with your tears and sweat, soothing them with your blood, and finally patching them with your torn hide is the ideal treatment. And my soul, it is starving with the need for vengeance, and I shall satiate it with your suffering."_

Aster, still smug, was unperturbed._"Ew...That sounds gross. Need salt?"_

"_You're asking for much worse than I already had planned, not that I would mind administering the additional torture."_

That was enough._"Okay, whatever, creepy dude. I seriously don't know who you are, and I could care a less. Keep going, if you want. Good material to show the cops after the Disciplinary Action Squad apprehends you." _

"_Empty threat, considering you don't know who or where I am. Generic reasons for revenge FTW."_

"_I could still get the authorities involved even if I don't know your identity."_

"_Perhaps. But you would prefer to take me out yourself, wouldn't you? Old habits die hard, vigilante. Or should I say, The Demon?"_

A sly smile appeared on his face._"DINNER. Anyway, whoa, big giveaway on who you are, man. Hello, Zaney. :D" _

"_The fact that you don't take me seriously will be your downfall, brat." _

"_Yeah, I'm real scared now, OOOOH. Just duel me and get it over with. No need to freak, or be one, for that matter." _

" _I'm challenging your sense of justice first, by frustrating it with an evil that cannot be stopped."_

"_Uh, I don't know if you were looking at what you typed beforehand, but that all sounded pretty stoppable to me. Got my cell phone right here."_

"_For a therapist?"_

"_...Hey, mind-rape was the Light of Destruction's gig."_

"_You'll understand what I mean soon enough."_

" _Um, calling police/DAP now?"_

"_I don't believe they'll do a thing until you have viable evidence that I'm going to harm you, which I'm not."_

"_What about those electrodes?"_

" _Save those for the duel, if you are willing to accept it with my rules. For now, I'm going to throw you off with a few more "games" ."_

" _...Wow. When?"_

"_Who knows? Minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, decades, centuries, millenniums, eternity...a vengeful spirit has an impressive longevity when it's strong enough."_

_(MaleDominatrix) has signed off. _

"_...Chicken." _

Following suit, Aster went offline and shut his laptop.

A hiss from behind, and a cold hand on the shoulder. "Did I forget to mention _seconds_?"

"Aaaaaaaah!!Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh!"The frightened boy jumped up and whirled around to meet his unwelcome "visitor".

"Hi,"said the leather bound book of misery in an eerily calm, cool, and collected voice. "It's me. How are you?"

Aster was taken aback. "What the...? Where did you come from?"

Straight-faced, Zane produced a tiny black remote, clicked a comically large red button on it, and with a _blipblip_, a highly stylized black car drove itself into view.

"I've been watching you from my P.T. Bruiser."

The silver-haired wonder stared at the gothic man. "Uh, okay? I mean, I'm all for puns, but was that really necessary?"

"Everything I've done was necessary."

"Wait...so it's been _you _this whole time? With the cookies, the paint, the otters, the beetle, the trees, Copycat Kid!?"

"Well, the first three were me. I had nothing to do with Dimitrii." Zane answered, amused.

"Why you-"

Enraged, Aster pulled back his fist, and swung. His knuckles met with two tiny metal prongs and a stream of blue between them.

**Bzzzzt.**

The surge of electricity brought Aster to his knees.

Zane stroked his dark stun gun, then pointed his left index finger at his victim, smiling. "I laugh at your pain."

Weakly but angrily, the teenager looked up."You can't get away with that!"

"Oh, but I can. You were attempting to harm me, and I merely used this to protect myself. Isn't self-defense grand?" Zane purred with BDSM satisfaction, again running his hand over his obviously treasured piece of defensive technology. "Now, did you want to know what evil I was talking about?"

Silver Boy remained steadfast."Not particularly."

Zane's eyes fell into a half-lidded gaze."Justice isn't perfect. It creates its own fiends with its laws. I am evil within the law."

Scowling, Aster retorted. "Not to quote that owl, but, oh, really? This isn't over! "

Zane's eyes narrowed."I don't believe you."

"Ha! Even if you beat me senseless, you'll _never_ win back your pride as a duelist!"

"Ur! Fine, then duel! I'll defeat you, and then I will DESTROY you!"

Near a small cliff, the duel commenced. Both professional duelists itched to see the other lose. They both now had a reason to hate each other, even if Aster didn't really do anything and Zane had unmistakably lost his mind.

"Destiny Hero-DOOMLORD!"Aster shrieked, his lips forming an 'o' and his right hand flexing like a claw as the Destiny Hero appeared.

Zane went for straining his neck as he called his monster's name dramatically to summon it."Chimeratech OVERdragon!"

When the smoke cleared a few turns later, Aster emerged victorious once again. And he had found something interesting on his person too during the duel...

"Ha, I won! Now go away!"

Head bowed, Zane stood silently for a moment. But when he looked up finally, he was smiling.

"No. If I can't beat you, I'll just have to put you out of commission. _For good_." Eyes glinting, Zane impressed the button on his remote to summon his car. "Bye."

"Oh, yeah?"Aster smiled devilishly, holding up the little tracker that Aster had deduced was like an irresistible beacon to the car when activated.

Moments after flipping the tiny switch, he tossed it onto Zane's chest, and Zane, realizing what he had just done, frantically grabbed at the small piece of metal and threw it, but was too late. The car, although it swerved when the tracker changed it's location, came close enough to knock the Cyberdark duelist off the small cliff.

His remote fell to the ground. Aster snatched it up and deactivated the tracker.

"Ha! Teach you!" Aster called after Zane. He leaned over and stuck out his tongue petulantly.

"Hey, Ed!" Jaden cried jubilantly from behind Aster as he crawled out from under the parked PT Bruiser, which had stopped since it had _technically _ran over its target. He wasclutching a little speck of metal.

"Aaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"Aster fell flailing too, landing with a _thud_ next to Leather Man.

"Oh, Ed, you dropped this!"

Jaden tossed the tracker over the edge, where it landed at the bottom of the cliff, intact, between the two foes. He then moved to retrieve the remote too, and was about to cast it over the edge as well, when...

"Ooooh, this remote has a really shiny red button..."

_Click._

Both pro duelists looked up to see the PT Bruiser roll off the edge of the cliff, and plummet towards them.

"..."

"..."


End file.
